Two Teeny-Booper "I've got a crush on you!" sonnets
(If anyone has ever doubted I have a WEIRD imagination, you
may as well forget it now!)
-- based on a very funny circulated e-mail joke I just received
from a looney-toons friend out in British Columbia last night!
Here are the funny literary lines actually written by some
really imaginative high school kids! Ah, the good ole' days!
One does not have to be a teacher of English to appreciate
ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS TAKEN FROM HIGH SCHOOL ESSAYS
(which you'll want to read first if you want to really, really
appreciate the sonnets, though I dare say they are as hard to appreciate as adolescent flings!)
Richard Vallance, January 12 2004
ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS TAKEN FROM HIGH SCHOOL
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its
two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking
alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling-Free.
3.He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience,
like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes
around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with
a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he
was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound
a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly
the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a
Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene
had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m., instead of
12. Her hair glistened in the rain, like a nose hair after
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots
when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers
raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling
at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket
fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds,
who had also never met.
17. He fell for her, like his heart was a mob informant and
she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a
steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21.The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get
from not eating for a while.
22. "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving
like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
23. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame-duck
either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
24. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended
one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
25. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids
around with power tools.
26. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he
heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
27. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword puzzle.
28. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten
to put in any pH cleanser.
29. She walked into my office, like a centipede with 98 missing
30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts, after you accidentally
THE SONNETS (be prepared to laugh your guts out!)
What's the Beef?
E-Coli, like on beef, she's grown on him,
that bad mad
cow, sniffing his chance was slim.
Her face was an oval compressed, his rants,
her Thigh Master's, tumbled in her hot
as he squeezed her, and left his underpants
in her dryer while their alliance bled
to death, and, with no inuit
he watched a solar eclipse, then went blind:
He tours, he speaks, his speeches move folks' souls:
snow makes you blind with no pinhole blind."
She had had a throaty laugh, like a dog's
hoarse bark before he barfs,
and her green hair
shone in the rain, like nosehairs when a hog's
sneezed, though all John can do, lame duck, is stare!
© by Richard Vallance 2004
Oh the Poor Lame Duck!
He's stared, as lame as a duck, never your
but one a landmine's
blown off a leg! Oh, shots ring out as shots
are wont to do and hailstones leap, like lines
snort, pop! -- or pan fried juicy maggots!
Though fighters, theirs are lean and hungry looks
you get from eating like
Oh Mary, poor John, you're just 2 dovelike rooks
who'd never met. You'd never met. Absurd?
life she'd loped, a centipede
missing a hundred legs, 'cept first and third!
Lame as our peglegged duck, he heard her
"Take me!" Oh, that hurts, the way your tongue does
when it's stapled shut like a crossword puz.
© by Richard Vallance 2004
(The two sonnets tell a typically hair-brained teenage story
based on most of the analogies and metaphors which precede them!)
Richard Vallance. Whoso Squeals or Grunts
[a parody of Sir Thomas Wyatt's, "Whoso List to Hunt"]
Whoso Squeals or Grunts *
OR: what I would love to do to my critics!
Whoso squeals or grunts, I know where's some boar!
as for me, I'd hunt, and hit thy hind.
Thy vain travail to even up ye score
Does not avail to shave thee from my grind.
I mayest pursue thee, oh thou blind
beast, stun thee and, whilst thou dost bleat before,
Taunting follow I to pourchasse
Since in my nets I know to hold thy wind. *
Whilst thou art spent, I ken I have thee pinned,
done too, be thou, thou red roughneck!
Faugh! Why, bristling, snort and puff thy stiff neck?
I have thee pinned, pray,
what's that puling sound?
"Noli me frangere, for rabid I am,
And smelly as hell, though I am ham."
© by Richard Vallance, October 28th., 2001, revised August
This parody is to be foisted upon an unsuspecting world of
horrified sonnet readers in the Autumn issue of SONNETTO POESIA (Canada), wherein the content is aimed to send you all to
the nearest looney bin. For this most dreaded of issues is to feature SUSPICIOUS SONNETS by many a poetaster! So keep posted,
or we'll have to chain you to the post!
I originally composed this little ditty as a parody of Sir
Thomas Wyatt's, Whoso List to Hunt. Rest his soul, this sonnet is in nowise aimed at his lofty genius. It is simply intended
as a jibe against so-called sonnet "pundits", who prize themselves as being literary and poetry critics, when "malheureusement",
they fall somewhat short of the mark.
Here is the full text of Sir Thomas Wyatt's lovely sonnet
in its even lovelier Renaissance English, for your reading delight:
Who so list to hount : I know where is an hynd,
for me : helas, I may no more.
The vayne travail hath werid me so sore,
I ame of theim, that farthest cometh behinde.
may I by no means, my weried mynde
Drawe from the Der; but as she fleeth afore
Faynting I folowe. I leve of therefore
Sins in a nett I seeke to hold the wynde.
Who list her hount : I put him out of dowbte:
As well as I : may spend
his time in vain.
And graven with Diamonds in letters plain :
There is written, her faier neck rounde abowte :
me tangere for Cesars I ame
And wylde for to hold : though I seme tame.
Sir Thomas Wyatt (1503-1542)