Two Teeny-Booper "I've got a crush on you!" sonnets

(If anyone has ever doubted I have a WEIRD imagination, you may as well forget it now!)

-- based on a very funny circulated e-mail joke I just received from a looney-toons friend out in British Columbia last night!

Thanks, Régis!

Here are the funny literary lines actually written by some really imaginative high school kids! Ah, the good ole' days!

One does not have to be a teacher of English to appreciate the following:

ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS TAKEN FROM HIGH SCHOOL ESSAYS

(which you'll want to read first if you want to really, really appreciate the sonnets, though I dare say they are as hard to appreciate as adolescent flings!)

Richard Vallance, January 12 2004

****************************************************

ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS TAKEN FROM HIGH SCHOOL ESSAYS

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling-Free.

3.He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m., instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain, like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds, who had also never met.

17. He fell for her, like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21.The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

23. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame-duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

24. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

25. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

26. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

27. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword puzzle.

28. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

29. She walked into my office, like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts, after you accidentally staple it.

**********************************************

THE SONNETS (be prepared to laugh your guts out!)

I

What's the Beef?

E-Coli, like on beef, she's grown on him,
that bad mad cow, sniffing his chance was slim.
Her face was an oval compressed, his rants,
her Thigh Master's, tumbled in her hot head,
as he squeezed her, and left his underpants
in her dryer while their alliance bled
to death, and, with no inuit pinholes,
he watched a solar eclipse, then went blind:
He tours, he speaks, his speeches move folks' souls:
"Bright snow makes you blind with no pinhole blind."
She had had a throaty laugh, like a dog's
hoarse bark before he barfs, and her green hair
shone in the rain, like nosehairs when a hog's
sneezed, though all John can do, lame duck, is stare!

© by Richard Vallance 2004

II

Oh the Poor Lame Duck!

He's stared, as lame as a duck, never your
metaphorical, but one a landmine's
blown off a leg! Oh, shots ring out as shots
are wont to do and hailstones leap, like lines
you'd snort, pop! -- or pan fried juicy maggots!
Though fighters, theirs are lean and hungry looks
you get from eating like a hummingbird.
Oh Mary, poor John, you're just 2 dovelike rooks
who'd never met. You'd never met. Absurd?
Ito his life she'd loped, a centipede
missing a hundred legs, 'cept first and third!
Lame as our peglegged duck, he heard her plead,
"Take me!" Oh, that hurts, the way your tongue does
when it's stapled shut like a crossword puz.

© by Richard Vallance 2004

(The two sonnets tell a typically hair-brained teenage story based on most of the analogies and metaphors which precede them!)